


Hopelessly Devoted to You

by LenaLight



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Hunter x Hunter - Freeform, I'm Sorry, M/M, this is horrible I sincerely apologize sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:22:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23506801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LenaLight/pseuds/LenaLight
Summary: How selfish he is, to want him all for himself. He questions himself, surely he is undeserving of such a illogical happy ending. He’s learnt no rainbow comes after the rain. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, if so barely visible, so dimly lit. Is he expecting too much? How greedy, how selfish, how disgusting. Maybe things would be better if he just disappeared.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Kudos: 16





	Hopelessly Devoted to You

**Author's Note:**

> Hi uh 
> 
> Yea this is an angst I wrote in the wee hours of the night cus sleeping is for pussys jk sleep is important sorry pls sleep or ur prob gonna die 
> 
> Uh it’s horrible and I am sorry cus I wrote this in the wee hours of the night ofc it’s gonna suck. And like angst is Obv not my strong suit; as you can see. But I just felt like writing one cus quarantine is making me go crazy. I usually write fluff but lETS TRY
> 
> Also this is the first time I tried writing on ao3 cus I came from wattpad (ew). Aka the magical land where bts would buy you for 10 cents 
> 
> Ok bye enjoy my angsty thingy ish ya <3

He held the hunters license in his hand, Something so small, yet it felt as if he was carrying the weight of the world. recalling all the memories he had made, all the times, good and bad he had shared with Gon. No matter what, he was always there for him. His presence was reassuring to him, knowing someone always had his back gave him a warm feeling. What was this feeling? Was this love? How did he really feel, why was he always so loyal to him? Why did he care so much? Fresh, hot tears started to fall. Gon is light. He had given Killua happiness he didn't know existed. What did he do to deserve to feel this way? Gon had given him so much. 

And yet, he betrayed him. 

He hated himself. How could he not? He had always been a rebel. He would rebel for the last time now, a form of rebellion which defies even instinct. He didn't care if he went out a warrior, fighting for the sake of mankind. He didn't care if he went out an assassin, a disappointment to the Zoldyck family, unworthy of the Zoldyck name. He didn't care for his family anyway, they didn't care about him. He cared for Gon, sure but does Gon truly care for him? 

His hands trembled, his palms grew sweaty and his heartbeat quickened. But it didn't quicken the way it did around Gon. He wasn't happy, he wasn't sad. He wasn't even angry. 'I don't care anymore.' He mumbled to himself. 

He heard the deafening blare of an incoming train. So loud, yet it felt so far away. It was so loud, yet the sound of his heartbeat peaking drowned out everything. Although soothing is a way, it was painful to hear. Knowing he was yet to meet his end was both comforting and irritating. He wished it was easy, the moment was actually quite scary when it came to it. He couldn't help but feel just a slight twinge of regret. How selfish. He didn't deserve to regret his decisions, what's done is done, he couldn't change his past and he definitely can't change what's bound to happen. Death is inevitable, why not speed up the process a little? It would be wonderful to just stop all the suffering right now. 

He wasn't denying the fact that he was selfish. What he was doing, it was a selfish thing to do.  
Was this really what he wanted? Would anybody benefit from his disappearance at all? Or would anybody even notice, would anybody even care? He doubted it, but he couldn't help but wonder. What if. So many what ifs, so many possibilities. Life truly is a wonderful thing. He didn't deserve such privilege. He didn't deserve life itself, yet he didn't deserve death either. He deserved to suffer, but what else could he do? Where else could he go? Whatever the answer may be, he felt thereH was no place for him here, in this world. 

Once more, he recalled all his memories, this time desperately, quickly breezing through his short yet disgusting life. His life was amazingly disgusting. There was no other word to describe it, no other word to describe him in general. He couldn't bother to think of one, what with everything going on in his head. He realized how disgusting he really was. 

It's amazing what the human body can do, how his brain racked through his memories before death. Perhaps this was what they call when life flashes before your eyes. Perhaps the reason for this is the brain desperately tries to grasp for a solution, a reason to live. 

It was useless, of course. Like grasping at air. Maybe he had been trained for this. After all, he had been trained for many things. He could get out of almost any difficult situation. Maybe it was just human instinct, what selfish beings humans are. It was pathetic honestly, pitiable really how even now his ways remain selfish. On the brink of death, yet he still seeks a way to save himself. It was disappointing, this whole thing was just disappointing. He was disappointed and he was sure many in his life have no objections to that. He was disappointed at how disappointing and disgusting his life was. 

One might say he was selfless. One might say he was loyal. Only he didn't perceive those words as compliments, they were expectations. Expectations set too high, expectation that should be lowered. He hadn't lived up to them and he never will. One might say it was a shame, for he had such potential. One might say he was a prodigy and had he nurtured his abilities, he could've been great. But had he become the world's greatest hunter, or the world's most feared assassin, would he still feel such burning hatred towards himself?

When he was with Gon, was he truly happy? It was fun, yes but why was it that he felt sadness nonetheless? If he was sincerely and truly happy, wouldn't it only be logical he needn't feel such despair? So many questions yet to be answered. So many things he had yet experienced. Was all of this just a waste? Was Gon, his so called happiness, merely a distraction from the harsh reality of the world? Why is it that the world is always pinned against him? 

He envied Gon. How was it that he had such a positive outlook on life when it is so cruel? Had the world been good to him? It wasn't fair, it definitely wasn't fair. How could he envy Gon at this moment? For if he had had a normal family, had he never been so talented, maybe he could of had lived to see better days. Maybe Gon wasn't light, for it was only an illusion. Or maybe he was a light shining so bright, leaving him blinded and dazzled. 

Yes, that was it. He was blind. Of course he was blind. He had been blessed with so much, yet he had taken it all for granted. How could he wish for more when he had not appreciated what was already given to him? How he constantly reminded himself of his selfish nature. How greedy he was. 

The train which had seemed so far away before seemed so close now. How long had it been? He had got lost in his own thoughts for so long, he hadn't realized how time had passed. Surely it wasn't long, he had thought of so many things simultaneously, all at once. He felt as though the train was looming over him now, he had only been prolonging his pain. Death had a chokehold on him. And he wasn't going to fight back.

How foolish he was to think Gon could actually care for him, to think he of all people deserved to be love. He was unworthy. Unworthy of it all. He didn't deserve friendship, he didn't deserve happiness, and he sure didn't deserve to be loved.

Goodbye. He thought. He shall not be missed. I'm sorry.


End file.
